Online Dating & Personals    

On a first date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.

I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".

I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding).

We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.

I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.

Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...

YOU MUST BE
funny
loquacious
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
over 30
not a baby-daddy 3 times over
have broad shoulders
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...
Over one-night stands. Confident, funny, a big smart ass (are you getting that yet?) often seen as intimidating and in love with travel, life, the beach, good kissers and long weekends.

Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.

Looking for Long term—yes, LONG TERM! If you seek a bed buddy go to the next girl that is still twirling her hair wondering what she wants in life because this girl knows

Able to say "no" and scream "yes".

Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL
bowl
play trivia
act like raging ***holes in public establishments
giggle at midgets
travel as much as humanly possible
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up eachother

WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration

Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at...

I am not fat yet I have curves. I’ve seen a BBW, I may have an amazing ass and quite the rack that doesn’t equal a beeping noise when I back up. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to have not eaten in 2.5 months, don't respond. I am seeking a man and a man is built like a man meaning a belly and broad shoulders not someone that needs a hamburger and waxes his chest or back.

I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.

I am not short. 5’7” flat and 6” in heels. ALWAYS in heels. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height.

I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.

Bring your A-game.

Oh yeah, if you're married on here looking for a date or a "reason" to leave your wife-GROW UP! If you date me and I find out you're married I will rent a billboard, a marketing team and a whole city to tell your wife and every other woman in America what a jerk off you really are!

Did I atleast make you laugh? No one reads the profile anyway and if you did dont run, it was meant as fun! I am very easy going anything is great as long as we're having fun and we're together.

Male
Age between 28 and 50
Live in United States
Must not have messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex.
Must not be looking for Hang Out
Must not be looking for Short-Term
Must not be looking for Talk/E-mail
Must not be looking for Photo Exchange
Must not be looking for Other Relationship
Must not be looking for Friendship
Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter
Must not be looking for Activity Partner
Must not do drugs
Must not be married